Sunday Funnies

Right, so I had an idea. A really bright, fun idea. I would write something silly and short. For the love of God, short. So after running the silly plot idea past Ariel, I had her blessing and I started.
I may as well just hope that it doesn’t go beyond my attention span that is comparable to a pigeon (slightly better than a goldfish). Also – humour and I tend to sit down at the local cafe and ramble. For hours. Getting no where. So I get this…


Hinata didn’t know how they did it, only that it involved a block of wood, a fishing pole, and a tea towel.

One minute, she was sitting at the fire, across from Kurenai-sensei and next to Kiba—who was wrestling with Akamaru for the last bit of bacon—and Shino was just walking back from taking third watch; the next, there was a twitch of Akamaru’s nose and all hell broke loose… Taking the form of a terrifying ghost who dove from the trees, shrieking about the horrors of life-draining debts and sudden windfalls that were not windfalls but carefully coordinated earnings.

As they were not practicing exorcists nor even devout followers of any faith, most shinobi were ‘seeing is believing’ sorts. And Hinata’s team was no exception. Much to her embarrassment (Hanabi-chan would never be told), Hinata gave a shriek of her own and threw a kunai, right before leaping into the trees and far away from that. Shino was right beside her, bugs pouring from his sleeves while Kiba and Akamaru had shot off into the woods in the opposite direction, the nin dog snapping as they went. Kurenai-sensei was flipping through seals like a mad woman, her eyes bright…

Then Shino grunted and Hinata glanced to her left… She had a split second to realise her teammate was pinned to a tree by some invisible force before something hard and cold hit her from the side, introducing her to another tree trunk with far too much force. And if things weren’t bad enough for her tattered dignity, Hinata passed out.


When she woke up, it was to a pounding headache, a bruised hip, and a pair of sandals. Who paints their toe-nails? She had to wonder, and because she was still dazed, Hinata made the mistake of looking up. Oh dung beetles.

A very big man was staring down at her. Very tall. Very broad. Very dead looking. Or at least the walking dead. Maybe Frankenstein’s monster. The man had stitches across his face.

They stared at each other for a minute until Hinata realised who he was. And then a little longer because Hinata was trying very hard to subscribe to any belief that did not have to believe what was obviously right there.

And then the big freak had to reach out towards her.

“Mmmmmm!!!!” Hinata hummed very enthusiastically. Oh, hello gag. And rope. And… a futon? At this point, Hinata would have dearly loved to deny any evidence that she had ever known what BDSM meant. To anyone. It was all Sai’s fault; he left those magazines everywhere.

Kakuzu snorted once and planted a hand around her throat, effectively taking control of any communication or breathing for that matter. “Shut up.”

Arms bound behind her, legs tied ankles to ass, Hinata glared with all the remaining shreds of her shinobi pride. If she was going to die, she was going to do it as defiantly as possible.

Freaky green eyes narrowing, Kakuzu pulled her up by the front of her shirt. “If you struggle, I’ll hamstring you. You run, I’ll cut off a foot. You scream…” Was that tiny dead expression a smile or a grimace? “Hidan will get interested.”

With such an array of attractive options, Hinata could only sag. However… he didn’t say she couldn’t object and through the gag Hinata gave him her best imitation of Akamaru’s growl.

“And if you complain, I’ll strip you naked and tie you to Hidan’s bed.”

The growl died a quick and merciful death.

Her captor grunted. “Smart.” And then he let go of her, and Hinata struggled to stop herself from falling over. By the time, she glanced up, he was already by the exit, knocking on the metal door. When it opened, Kakuzu looked back. “And if you attack anyone, I’ll open up a vein of yours for every strike.”

 Lovely. Hinata chewed on the gag for a moment, and because the brute was standing there waiting, she nodded.

After he left, she had freed her arms in four minutes; her legs in two. Hinata spat out the gag and assessed the bleak room she was in: four walls, a futon, and… an apple. The fruit was sitting next to the futon. Unblemished and ripe.

An hour later, Hinata had tested all four walls, the floor and the ceiling, and had checked under the futon and around the door. Except for a tiny bit of airflow under the door, there was no other opening.

The apple was still there.

Hinata checked under the apple as well.

Other than being a normal red apple, there was nothing special about it. Only that it was there, and she was hungry, and she couldn’t tell if it was poisoned.

So she left it.

It was an hour after, when both stomach and bladder were being nuisances, that there as a bang on the door from the outside. Hinata jumped three feet up and nearly cracked her head on the stone ceiling.

The door creaked open and the albino Akatsuki looked in. Then looked up. And then proceeded to cackle.

Bad idea or not, Hinata decided then that clinging upside down by the light bulb was not conducive to being taken seriously. And the weapon Hidan held was eight feet long anyway.

Hidan was wiping one of his eyes as she dropped down, and she hesitated. He wasn’t really watching her. She could…

And then Kakuzu stepped into the doorway, squashing all infant thoughts of escape. He arched a brow.

So much for that. Hinata bit her lip and almost stepped back.

“Hey Tobi!” Hidan’s sudden bellow caused Hinata to flinch. “She didn’t eat it!”

Before her, Kakuzu snorted as a boyish voice from the hall let out a sound of distress. “But it’s such a nice apple!” Hidan smirked.

Pale eyes flitting between the two Akatsuki she could see, Hinata was getting a bad feeling about the rest of her house mates.

“Do you think kunoichi-san likes pears more?” Both males in the room arched a brow. “Tobi will get some!” And footsteps pounded down the hall followed by a scuffle, a crash of wood, culminating in a “Tobi, you moron!” coming from further away.

Kakuzu had half-closed his eyes in seeming impatience as Hidan walked to the door and looked out. “Hey, Kakuzu, I think he took out the old oak table you hate so much.” It was a little alarming how much the stitch nin perked up that.

“Hmm. Good.” Then he turned his attention back on her. “You will be staying within this building while your ransom is processing. If the Hyuuga pay immediately, you could be going home within a week.” One of his eyebrows twitched up. “If not, then I’ll deal with you in a month.” A parade of scenarios from freshly made leather chairs to boots and jewelry and forbidden zombie spells floated through Hinata’s head. “Hidan will give you the tour and the rules.”

And so, Kakuzu walked out leaving the albino in the room with her. Hidan, the apparent lech and sexual deviant, leered at her.

Quelling the urge to reach for kunai that weren’t there, Hinata glared back.

“Tch, this is gonna be a fucking pain.” Turning his back, the albino motioned to her to follow. “The rules Kakuzu told you earlier still hold, so don’t forget them,” he began as Hinata stepped out into the hall and took in the new wood panelled walls—the wallpaper probably got drenched in blood and had to be replaced.

Hidan pointed to a door a few feet to her right on the opposite wall; “Washroom.” A gesture to the end of the hall where the wreckage of what she supposed was the oak table; “Kitchen.” A flick of the wrist indicated the half of the hall in the other direction; “Bedrooms.” Hidan paused and then flashed a wide grin. “Mine is two doors down, if you’re wondering.”

Narrowing her eyes, Hinata maintained her silence. However, if he dragged this out any longer, she was going to tackle him, bash his head open, and then storm the lavatory. She needed to go.

“Typical fucking Hyuuga,” Hidan observed as he leaned back against the wall, the haft of his weapon resting against his shoulder. “Oh yeah, more shitty rules—you’ll love these. No going outside without one of us along for the ride; meaning, we’ll have to be conscious and willing. You want food, prepare your own damn meal; we’re not a fucking catering service. If you need anything, really need something—” He broke off as Hinata cut her eyes towards the washroom, and he snickered at her mortified blush. “Before that—one last thing. Don’t go into the other bedrooms unless told.”

Hinata grit her teeth. At least she wasn’t here for sexual purposes. Just here to pay bills apparently.

The albino snorted, one white brow rising. “I don’t need to tell you not to piss anyone off, do I?”

She shook her head.

“Fucking say it then. You’re not mute.”

For a moment, she pressed her lips together, but when his grip shifted on his weapon, Hinata decided pride wasn’t worth it. “No!” she blurted, watching the red blades.

Smirking, Hidan let the scythe rest again. “Good. Now get.” He waved her towards the bathroom as he pushed off the wall.

Hinata backed away a few steps as the Akatsuki brushed past her, cloak billowing as he stalked towards the kitchen.


A/N: Yeah, that’s all I’ve got for now. The funny parts feel forced and while there are some gems in there that I do enjoy… I can’t keep the crack up.
I write… and it turns semi-serious and the humour takes a back seat instead of staying at the forefront. I had to insert funny parts for heaven’s sake.
Maybe I just need to read Love Lockdown and get in the mood.


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