Naruto Monologues: Gaara’s POV – The Relish Theory

Rated: M
Warning: Complete crack. Sexual themes and references. Boysmut. Mostly will not make sense unless you follow Ariel’s stories (Kiss Me).


Is it the hamburger relish with the ketchup integrated or is it the hotdog relish with the mustard?

Does Naruto like smooth and tangy or hot and spicy?

Or does it have nothing to do at all with condiments and everything to do with pickles?

Will pickled onions work just as well or should I invest in the large knobbly whole cucumber pickles? Mmmmm, those crunch so well.

Or–the unthinkable–Naruto actually love flowers? Pickled cauliflowers?

Or is it just the method of delivery? One finger? Two? Slide it in or shove it?

Can you make relish vibrate?

Is it better with or without the brine?

Does having the fedora in the room with the relish change the physical properties of the pickle bits? Naruto seems to moan louder.

Sasuke also seems to crave the fedora. But that is of no surprise. Everyone wants my hat.
It is my fedora. And the truth shall be revealed while I wear it.

Now… back to the matter at hand.

If pickles are crispy, and Naruto likes crispy. What about oven baked foods or pan-fried? Bacon even? Breakfast sausages? No, those are juicy, but not crisp, not crunchy.

I have heard that fruits are often utilized in the bedroom by individuals with no partners.
And that they are satisfied.

Does that mean then–with a partner–it could be better?

Grapes were much like pickled onions: round, smooth, crunchy. In a way. Are there such things as pickled grapes?

Perhaps I should go back to the relish. It all seems to circle back to that green jar. There must be a reason.

Chunky, crunchy, sweet, tangy, pickle bits in a viscous brine.

But there are no taste buds down there – so does the tang have instead a different property other than just taste?

Does it tingle? Heat? Chill?

Does it make things contract? Naruto seemed to do that a lot around fingers with relish.


AN: The first of quite a few monologues that took over my fingers during a chat with Ariel.

Azhwi: You do realize that now I’m utterly off the deep end and it’s all your fault.
Sorrowful Vampress: I know.
Azhwi: As long as we’re clear then.


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